Mirror Mirror on the Wall…
Try this. Go look at yourself in a mirror. What do you see? What are the first things you notice? What catches your attention? How do you feel about it? Really…go do it right now. We’ll wait here for you to come back…
What do you regularly focus on about yourself? Is it that you’re hardworking or lazy? Maybe that you’re generous or do you see yourself as holding back? Do you focus on your beauty or your flaws? Do you focus on what you can offer the world or what you lack? How does this focus make you feel about yourself most of time? Our guess is that if you focus on what you define as being bad about yourself, you will feel bad, and visa versa.
We don’t only do this to ourselves, however…
We choose to focus on something about everyone we meet. I (Jason) lived in Toronto, Ontario, Canada from 1996 to 2000. At that time, Toronto had one of the highest number of homeless people per capita of any major city in North America. What I focused on at first was that they were dirty; many of them were drunk; and that it was uncomfortable to constantly be asked for spare change. My first impressions of homeless people were not good; and I didn’t feel good about them or myself.
Overtime, however, I saw something different. Can you imagine the resourcefulness it takes to live on the street and carry all your possessions with you, literally on your back? Then I spoke with a man who was a successful lawyer until schizophrenia caused him to lose his career and family. Then there was the guy who lived in a tent in a ravine. He spent part of his day cooking for other homeless people at a church shelter and part of the day pan-handling at a busy intersection. His dream was to be a chef. Another ravine-resident, Fred, trained 5 days a week by running with a large log over his shoulders. He was 78. Some people have even stopped trying to get off the street because they are used to the lifestyle and the freedom. Talk about courage! My focus was shifting, and along with it, how I felt about homeless people and how I felt about myself.
Who You Focus on is Who You Get
As gender experts, Donna and I know that what we focus on in relationship has a huge impact on both the quality of
that relationship and the likelihood of it lasting. So it’s always helpful to be aware of what you are focusing on about your partner. Is it that he took the garbage out today, or that you had to ask him three times? Is it that she is beautiful or that you were late again because she had to have her make-up just right? What are you focusing on, and how does it make you feel about them and about yourself?
The thing to remember here is that what you focus on is what you get. Or rather, who you focus on is who you get. Why? First, because your thoughts create your reality. What you think about, especially when you think about it with a lot of emotion, is what starts to show up in your life. That’s the Law of Attraction in a nutshell.
Second, by definition, when you focus on something it’s all you see. You actually start looking for that personality trait, that annoying habit, that imperfection to show up to justify how you feel – “See I was right. There it is again!”
When You Change Your Perception You Change Your Results
You know what? Those things about your partner that are annoying you are never likely to go away. There is a reason why men and women are as they are, and until you understand the differences and the reasons for them, those traits will keep occurring as annoying.
What we love about leading the “Between Men and Women” workshops are the “A-ha!” moments when participants see something about their partner they never saw before. When you understand the differences between men and women and why those differences exist, what used to be seen as “wrong” or as something that should be changed becomes just what is so. It’s understood as being perfectly in alignment given who your partner is as a man or a woman. When that perception-change happens transformation occurs and the results you experience in your relationship, your home-based business or your family – in whatever it is you are up to in life – will shift forever.
Exercise
1) Write down the three most “annoying” things about your partner.
2) Write down the three things you love most about your partner.
3) Take the first list and burn it, shred it, or do whatever you need to do with it to symbolise those traits no longer being your point of focus about your partner.
4) Take the second list and focus intently on those traits or behaviors for one week. They are still there! The shift in how you see your partner and how you feel about him or her and yourself will seem like magic.
Come back and let us know what you found by leaving a comment in the box below.
Anyone can do this exercise at any time. The real power, however – the ability to truly stop judging your partner – comes from understanding the purpose of those so-called “negative” qualities and knowing there place in the perfect to-and-fro of relationship. This is where we can help. The “Between Men and Women” couples relationship retreat is all about empowering you with an understanding of your current or future partner, so you can stop focusing on what isn’t serving you in relationship and start using the perfect, complementary, and natural qualities of men and women to generate the relationship and life you dream of.
Please visit the links below for a detailed program description and upcoming dates, and feel free to call us with any questions and to register.
Group retreat: “Between Men and Women” Couples Relationship Retreat
You Don’t Change…Your Communication Does!