If you attended our “Between Men And Women” Couple’s Communication Retreat within the last year, you would have heard me caution you about some of the common psychological cognitive biases that affect all of us human beings, whether we realize it or not.
Today I want to share yet another important cognitive bias with you that I’ve not mentioned in the past.
Like the others, it’s SO hidden from your view that if you’re not careful it’s presence can creep in and cause a HUGE wedge between you and your partner.
Cognitive Biases Have A Big Impact On Your Relationship/Marriage
The psychological cognitive bias I’m writing about this time is known as “Fundamental Attribution Error” or “Negative Attribution Error”.
Here’s how it works.
In a nutshell, when you behave in a certain way, your partner tends to blame it on something personal about you or your character, rather than pin it on the circumstances of the situation that caused you to behave in the way you did.
Here’s an example.
Imagine it’s “date night” and on your way home, traffic was super congested and you arrived home over an hour late.
Psychology tells us that in this scenario, as your partner paces around waiting for you, he/she will tend to think that you were late because you didn’t manage your time well rather than give you the benefit of the doubt by initially thinking that you simply got stuck in traffic.
The “Fundamental Attribution Error” is the interpretation that you mismanaged your time rather than assuming it was due to a situation that was out of your control … the congested traffic.
Let’s flip roles and use another example:
You are in the car with your partner and as he/she is driving, the car suddenly swerves sharply toward the side of the road.
You immediately think that your partner wasn’t paying attention to his/her driving when in fact your partner swerved to avoid the squirrel that darted out into the middle of the road.
In this case, the “Fundamental Attribution Error” is the interpretation that your partner wasn’t paying attention when really it was the situation your partner was dealing with that caused him/her to swerve the car … the squirrel on the road.
This bias frequently comes up in my coaching sessions with couples.
I’m sure we’ve all had times like the couple I just worked with yesterday, where the husband promised his wife he’d call her over lunchtime to help her make a decision that was very important to her.
When he didn’t call, she assumed he didn’t care about the struggle she was having to arrive at her decision. In that moment she thought, “He totally takes me for granted and doesn’t think I’m important”.
What really happened was the CEO of the company he works for called an emergency meeting between her husband and a client . For the two minutes he had to send her a quick text to let her know he wouldn’t be calling, his phone lost all charge and his charger was in his car.
So you get the picture … how the bias works is that we are very quick to attribute someone’s behavior to something personal about them or their character rather than attributing their behavior to something about their situation.
It’s Called “Negative Attribution” Error For A Reason
The reason why the same bias is commonly called “Negative Attribution Error” is because what we attribute to our partner is for the most part, negative. We will be pulled to judge and see the other in a negative light, rather than see their behavior as a result of their circumstances or situation. So when things are already rocky between us, it’s clear that this psychological bias will make it worse.
Me being the science geek that I am, wondered what the researchers had to say about this. Do negative attributions reflect a troubled marriage or do negative attributions cause a troubled marriage …. what does the science say?
It turns out that both are true.
Partners that don’t trust one another in the present will tend to interpret their partner’s behavior in the future, as being due to negative character traits AND it has also been shown that the type of attributes you make about your partner now, will influence your relationship in the future.
So … this is HUGE.
The big problem with “Negative Attribution Error” is not only does it affect how you feel about your relationship but it directly affects how you act and behave. In other words, when you think you are a victim of your partner’s bad character, you get defensive and respond accordingly, usually exhibiting your worst side until there you both are … spiraling down a hole of negativity, conflict and defensiveness, making each other wrong.
But … the good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way.
What You Can Do To Reduce “Fundamental Attribution Error” or “Negative Attribution Error” In Your Relationship/Marriage.
To have a new result, it takes awareness and willingness to actually do something different … that is, to consciously paint your partner in a new and positive light before “Negative Attribution Error” takes hold of you.
So if you are noticing that this invisible bias seems to be ambushing you, here are three things you can do immediately to avoid the negative impact.
1) Assume Positive Intent – Assume the good will of your partner and that he/she has your best interests at heart. Very few of us actually get together in the beginning declaring to our partner, “I’m going to screw you over and completely wreck your life”, so you can give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Even if you can’t find it in you to assume the best about your partner … you can set yourself up mentally so that you don’t have to assume the worst.
2) Be willing to question your negative thoughts about your partner. Whoever said that every single thought that crosses your mind is true? Begin to question the thoughts running through your head … many of them are not even yours … they are generic and are simply one more aspect of the human condition. Do yourself a favor and don’t believe everything you think … in fact, it would be well worth your while to question the negative conclusions you make about your partner. Yes, they’ve likely made mistakes in the past but nobody is perfect and just because they’re not perfect doesn’t mean they are bad.
3) Make excuses for your partner. In the moment you notice your negative interpretation of their character, take the time to make up a new story about what might have happened. There are infinite number of perspectives – don’t assume that yours is the right perspective or the only perspective. Each time something unexpected comes up and you begin to think the worst, automatically begin to come up with three alternative stories that may be just as plausible.
Even though the “Fundamental Attribution Error” is a bias that affects all of us human beings , our marriage doesn’t have to be it’s victim. The more aware you are about what’s happening, when it’s happening, the more control you have to train yourself to choose something different.