The video at the bottom of this page provides a quick tip for how to argue less in marriage and to get more connection and understanding with your partner at the same time. We share this tip in our “Between Men and Women” Online Couples Communication Workshop, so here’s a sneak peak.
Transcript – How To Argue Less in Marriage
Hi there. My name is Donna Tosky, and I am the co-founder of the “Between Men and Women” Couples Communication Retreat and the founder of the SPARK Communication Success System for couples.
So we just did a retreat, and here I am in beautiful Banff, Alberta just in front of the Bow Falls. As you can see it’s still winter here even though it’s April.
So we just finished a retreat, and I just wanted to talk a little bit about how to avoid a fight.
You know, we had seven couples come into this retreat. One of the common concerns many couples have coming in is that they keep having senseless fights. They keep getting into the same grind and want to know how they can get out of it.
Well we have a little exercise in the retreat. It’s just a fun little thing, it’s not really an exercise. We just get everybody to watch this little video, but it sure makes the point. It’s called “Spinning Girl”, and what it illustrates is that we could be looking at the same thing, the exact same thing, but we interpret it differently. We are seeing different things.
The point I make to couples is that often, you’re going to be looking at the same thing – a bank balance, a child’s actions, sex, a letter from the government, whatever it happens to be – but you’re going to see it differently for all kinds of reasons. You’re two different people, so you have different interpretations and different perspectives. What we do is we can’t stand it when our partner has a different view. We get into fights over that, and the first thing we want to do is we want to start convincing them that our way is right. We want to tell them how to see our point of view.
Pick Your Battles
Really, there’s no solution to that sort of thing. When people see two different things, there’s nothing wrong. They have two different views. We don’t have to let that be grounds for a fight, but that’s what couples tell me is a big complaint. They just see something differently, and it’s meaningless. It’s nothing, and then they end up fighting about it.
So here’s where you power is. Can you let some things that are just simply unsolvable, can you let them BE? It’s kind of like water in a river. The water doesn’t hit up against a rock, expecting it to move out of the way. Of course not. The water just kind of goes around the rock.
That’s kind of what you often have to do when you see the same thing as your partner, and you see it differently. There’s no point pushing on him or her. There’s no solution. It doesn’t matter that much anyway in the scheme of things. Pick your battles, but the point is, can you just let it be that your partner has a different point of view? That’s one of the profound discussions we have in the retreat.
My name is Donna Tosky. Thanks for watching.
Learn What It Takes to Argue Less in Marriage
Pick your battles. That’s a short phrase with a powerful impact. Does everything have to be a fight? We are all different – different backgrounds, different experiences, and different values and beliefs – so it’s inevitable that we will see some things differently. If that’s not okay, fighting and tension is also inevitable.
Just like it’s pointless to push against some belief’s or experiences that your partner has had, it’s even more pointless to push against the natural psychological, sociological and biological factors that distinguish men and women, and that inform so much of what we think and how we react as men and women.
Fully understanding these differences is the key to being able to pick your battles, knowing that there is little point in pushing against who you both are naturally. Be the water. That’s how you’ll reduce the frequency and intensity of fights, and increase the peace and connection in your relationship or marriage.
Getting that understanding is exactly what the “Between Men and Women” Couples Communication Retreat is all about. The next retreat is just a few weeks away. For full details, including dates and prices, please visit www.betweenmenandwomen.com.
And remember…At Between Men and Women you don’t change because you don’t have to. Your communication, however, will change immediately.