Fix a marriage? Why, when it seems you’ve had nothing but struggle and disappointment?
Since the 80’s, there have been plenty of studies that have given evidence for “why”, along with proven success paths for “how” to fix a marriage. The research here is still going strong and can be helpful for those days when you wonder if it’s worth it to find a solution to your marital struggles.
Over the years, I’ve heard of a lot of unfounded theories in the area of relationship and marriage, so besides relying on my own experience and education as a coach/consultant, I like to rely on the latest science and research.
The reason I‘m telling you this is because if you’re a modern day couple that is struggling and you’re feeling a little scared thinking your situation might be hopeless, it’s not.
I’ve personally witnessed many situations where the couple was having some serious difficulties in their communication and relationship. Those couples were able to not only repair their marriage … they thrived.
If those couples could do it, then it’s possible for you too.
One of the hardest things for one or both partners is being in a place of cynicism or resignation, questioning themselves, asking “Is this really worth it?” Are the approximately 50% that get divorced any better off than those that are struggling in marriage, or have they just jumped into a new set of challenges?
This article looks at what makes it worth it to fix a marriage in the first place. Then for important considerations on how to fix a marriage, read my article, “How to Fix a Marriage: Where to Start When You’re Not Even Talking To Each Other”.
So first, let’s take a look at why we should even bother.
Why Fix A Marriage: The Physical Health Benefits
Without a doubt, a bad marriage can be detrimental to health. The reason for this is that with increased conflict or resentment comes an increase in cortisol, the stress hormone. This in turn leads to inflammation, high blood pressure and a myriad of other diseases and compromising conditions.
One election year, my partner Jason, and I were around a lot of people leaving the voting station. We overheard a man in his 40’s having a phone conversation with his friend. I heard him say, “My doctor told me to leave my wife as soon as possible”. So being quite interested in this topic, I approached him to see if he would be willing to talk with me about it.
He told us that his wife of several years had been physically abusing him for most of those years and now, after his second heart attack, his cardiologist cautioned and advised him to get away from his wife as soon as possible.
This is good advice as no one should remain in an abusive situation, but what about the majority of couples where domestic violence is not the issue and yet there is a constant high level of stress?
Is it worth it health-wise to take the time and effort to fix a marriage – to make things better? Recent studies suggest that yes … it is.
Researchers in the UK looked at the influence of marital status on heart health. They examined the results of 34 studies, and they found that people who were widowed, divorced or never married were 42% more likely to develop cardiovascular disease than married people.
It’s hard though, to believe that the only thing that makes the difference is the “walk down the aisle”. It’s the quality of the marriage that is either a detriment or a benefit. A bad marriage can be just as physically damaging as anything else that causes chronic stress.
Science shows us that the “state” of one’s marriage has a direct impact on the immune system. I remember clearly the day I was working in pharmacy back in the 90’s when the results of a fascinating study came through the dispensary. This study and a series of subsequent studies by Kiecolt – Glaser et al , showed that happy relationships had a significant and positive effect on the immune system.
This same series of studies also suggested that the opposite was true … that relational and marital stress compromised the immune system… big time.
The studies, done using couples as subjects, showed that wound healing was faster in couples that could tap into those “warm and fuzzy” feelings. Conversely, healing took significantly longer in couples that were submersed in poorly handled conflict and/or resentment.
So obviously, it’s not just being married that positively impacts the physical health of the couple. It’s the quality of the marriage that matters.
Why Fix A Broken Marriage: Let’s Look At Mental and Emotional Health
Recent research shows that the development of depression is very common in marriages where there is a lot of tension and/or conflict. These studies show that one or both partners is up to 25 times more likely to experience depression than those in marriages where collaboration is the main pattern of relating. Not only that, but when the marriage is rocky, the depressed partner often reports that their medication is ineffective. These people have the experience of going from medication to medication, never really getting any long lasting relief.
Anxiety is another mental challenge that can go hand-in-hand with a bad marriage. Sometimes it can be hard to tell … is it the anxiety that is causing the broken marriage, or is it the broken marriage that is causing the anxiety?
As a stay at home mom, my client, Sharon, was having trouble functioning due to debilitating anxiety she was experiencing since her first child was born. She reported not having had a good sleep in months and complained that she could never calm her mind down. Things weren’t getting done around the house. Her husband, Jack, was starting to question whether her anxiety was for real or if she was just being flat out lazy.
Ever since their first child was born, they couldn’t agree on anything. The simplest of decisions seemed to stop them in their tracks. After she had her first full blown panic attack, she and Jack came looking for help to repair their relationship. The couple came into one of our two day retreats. A couple of months later Sharon was happy to report that her doctor was able to drastically decrease the daily dose of her medication.
Over the next year, as her and Jack learned new communication skills and took on new perspectives in their relationship, she was able to completely discontinue all medication.
In this particular case, Sharon made a choice to go full bore on doing what it took to repair her marriage rather than focus solely on the cause of her anxiety. It really worked for her.
She felt a new level of safety and security that was being provided by Jack, and Sharon could finally relax in her life with her new baby.
Divorce As A Solution To A Broken Marriage
Many people get so uncomfortable in their marriage that they automatically think the answer is divorce. For some, depending on the circumstances, divorce really IS the best solution, but it doesn’t have to be the inevitable one for all couples in an unhappy marriage.
There is something that folks calling for divorce may not realize … although the failure rate for first marriage is 50%, the failure rate for second marriage is said to be around 65%, and the failure rate for the third marriage is higher yet, at 72%. So, although these statistics are not written in stone and are likely to vary depending on who you speak to, there is a definite and predictable trend here.
Divorce has been seen by many as the solution to all of their problems, when in reality, it has been like swapping one set of challenges for another.
So, if we are looking for the reasons to fix a marriage it would be wise to consider the negative impact of divorce as something to avoid just as much as the negative effects of the bad marriage itself.
Let’s look at this.
The Pain and Negative Effects of Divorce: Financial & Emotional Cost of Divorce
Divorce is very costly financially, mentally and emotionally – not just for the couple but for children, extended family and employers.
The financial cost of divorce can be more than a person expects when first going into it.
The average cost of divorce is $15,000.
Add to this the many unexpected costs such as filing fees, legal fees related to the changing of wills, unexpected changes regarding taxes, and then of course there is child support and alimony.
I live in Alberta, Canada. In this province there are a lot of people employed in the oil and gas industry, and with that comes a lot of big pay checks.
In my coaching practice, I’ve spoken to many men in this industry (I’m sure there are women also, that I just haven’t spoken to yet) who are paying hefty amounts of child support and alimony to the tune of $6,000 per month.
That’s expensive to keep up. It can also present a big problem to the person paying the alimony and child support when they want to start a new family. The resources are now limited, and resentment can build as the new family feels they are only getting the “left overs”.
It also costs more to run two households after a divorce compared to one. There are more expenses incurred transporting kids back and forth between households, etc., etc.. There are SO many extra expenses that one may not think of until you actually split.
Emotional Trauma & Divorce
One significant negative effect of divorce, and a very good reason to try to fix a marriage, is to avoid the emotional trauma and devastation caused by the divorce itself. This trauma is real and should be taken seriously.
The emotional trauma that impacts a family can be long lasting and is difficult to imagine unless personally experienced. Wounds from a divorce can run deep for all family members.
In my research with men and women, I’ve interviewed many that were totally blindsided by the negative emotional and physical effects of divorce.
They never realized just how taxing of an experience it would be for them.
Everything from not being able to sleep for more than two hours at a time, to not being able to eat regularly, to complete inability to function on a day to day basis.
One woman told me that for her, going through divorce was like experiencing a never-ending emotional roller coaster as she continually cycled through anger, fear, grief and guilt hoping the end was near, when it wasn’t.
This can be a common experience and is a hallmark symptom of trauma.
What can make it doubly difficult is that we don’t let ourselves fully process our feelings.
With busy lives, juggling careers and caring for children, we barely hold ourselves together, let alone properly look after our own well-being.
When we try to stuff down our feelings of fear, disappointment and/or frustration, these feelings keep resurfacing. In a sense, we keep “reliving” the unpleasant details of what didn’t work in our marriage on top of what’s not working in our divorce.
One or both partners can experience a real sense of disillusionment, thinking that divorce will lead to an easier life. When it doesn’t, a dreaded sense of deep despair takes over.
Then to soothe their uncomfortable emotional state, some jump back into the dating pool, thinking that their “ideal partner” will miraculously show up and make it all better. Of course, it rarely happens that way.
Now, there are a new set of problems that come with starting a new relationship when carrying over wounds, commonly referred to as “baggage”, from the last one.
What I have seen as a consultant/coach in the “communication in marriage” field, is that when men and women get involved in another relationship too soon they are not “all there” in the new relationship … they are not quite emotionally available, and oftentimes are not quite sure what they are bringing to the relationship in the first place.
Substance abuse is also a potential hazard during a time of emotional discomfort. Drug and alcohol use escalates in order to get relief and to mask painful emotions or thoughts.
Divorce and Physical Health
A more detailed examination of the UK research I referred to earlier revealed that the risk of heart disease increased by 35% for both men and women going through divorce.
Studies show that divorced men and women get more colds and flus; divorced men show higher rates of heart disease and cancer; the mortality rate for divorced men is 250% greater than for married men; and divorced men suffer more heart attacks and strokes than married men.
As for the physical effects of divorce on women, women that experience divorce once see a 24% increased chance of heart attack. After a second and third divorce, the risk of a heart attack increases by 77%.
Negative Effect Of Divorce On Children: Is It A Good Enough Reason To Fix A Marriage?
There have been many studies on the negative effects of divorce on children. The implications for the children of newly divorced parents can be numerous.
Disruptions of long held routines, uncertainty about living arrangements and reduced contact with one of the parents can cause an undue amount of stress and anxiety for children.
Then, of course, there may be extra stressors like changing schools, coping with fewer financial resources and being with a newly single parent that is under substantial stress themselves. In those circumstances, parents are often not as emotionally available to the child as they may think they are.
Studies show that children of divorced parents can also experience increased psychological problems.
Social studies, and those that conduct research, say that kids that go through divorce have been shown to not perform as well academically, have higher school dropout rates, and are more likely to engage in risky behavior such as substance use and early sexual activity.
And What If You’re An Employee Going Through Divorce?
The effects of divorce on the workplace are alarming and can cost an employer a great deal in lost time and decreased performance and productivity.
Studies have shown that employees lose more than 160 hours of work in the first year following divorce. One study concluded that relationship related stress costs employers approximately $300 billion per year. This is concerning for business owners and managers who have to keep the performance of the company top-of-mind. If there is consistent poor performance, the employee going through divorce may get a warning at best, and lose his/her job at worst.
I once spoke to a human resources manager for an oil and gas company who shared with me that she was told to keep a close eye on any employee going through divorce. The reason she gave was that those employees tend to look to others for personal support, advice and a listening ear thereby reducing the productivity of their co-workers.
Why Repair a Marriage: The Bottom Line
Knowing how to fix a marriage gets most of the attention from practitioners in the marriage improvement space. And for good reason. Unless you’re clear on why fixing a marriage is worth the effort, however, it’s all too tempting to skip the how and jump straight to the divorce.
Fixing your marriage improves your physical, mental and emotional health and helps you avoid illness. It fortifies your financial well-being and prevents a costly divorce. Fixing your marriage also sets a good example for your kids, and prevents you from becoming a drain on your employer’s resources.
Now that you’re clear on why fixing your marriage is worth the effort, knowing how to fix your marriage is the next step. For my 3-step action plan on this, check out the article, “How To Fix A Marriage: Where To Start When You’re Not Even Talking To Each Other”.