It just so happens to be the beginning of the New Year so today I’m inspired to share five relationship resolutions with you. Of course, you can use these five resolutions any time of the year.
If you were to do a search on the internet right now looking for “how to improve my marriage”, your search engine is going to come up with hundreds of thousands of different suggestions. How will you know which suggestions are actually going to work?
You can skip the search because today I’m going to give you five strategies to drastically improve your marriage that have been scientifically proven to work. They’ve been studied in the fields of happiness, neuroscience and marriage. When there are so many theoretical ideas about how to achieve a particular result why not go with something that works, right?
As a couple, you may be doing really well or you may be really struggling. No matter where you are, these five strategies will work if you are looking to improve the connection with your partner … to help you get reconnected or to help you sustain your connection.
So … here are the five resolutions and then I’ll tell you how to use them for achieving the best results.
1) Don’t take yourself so seriously. Lighten up and laugh more. Laughter activates the part of the brain that promotes connection, promotes compassion and is associated with higher thinking. Really … who doesn’t want to have more fun in their relationship/marriage?
2) Be more positive. I suggest you put more focus on what you love about you two as a couple and what you like about your partner. If you don’t do this, you stand the risk of being at the affect of something called “negative bias”. Negative bias is a psychological bias that all human beings have. Basically how it works is that this bias has you put your attention on what you don’t want and what you don’t like until before you know it, your thinking is completely consumed by negativity. To neutralize negative bias, begin to pay attention to what you do like and be very intentional about it.
3) Accept the fact that your partner is going to see things differently. We have different perspectives and if you just accept that fact then you’re not apt to get positional or stuck on being right in the first place. This will help you to move forward when you come to a conflict. Just know that you’re going to see things differently and let that be okay. You will notice that you spend a lot less energy spinning your wheels trying to convince your partner to agree with your view and you’re also likely going to spend less energy making your partner wrong.
4) Be willing to get your part. When you have a conflict, an argument or you experience a disconnection … when you’re willing to get your part in it, you let yourself be vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you give your partner permission to be vulnerable as well. This vulnerability allows you to move forward faster than if you are not willing to get your part. It allows you to let go rather than dig your heels in, pointing at your partner and making him/her wrong.
5) Spend more time together. People might say that’s too obvious but it’s something we often don’t do. Chances are much better that you’re going to get connected when you’re physically in the same space.
Now that I gave you five relationship resolutions, I want you to pick three of those five. You might be doing one of them already. For example, you might run a business together and you spend a lot of time together, so for you that’s not a strategy that will really make a difference for you as a couple. The exercise is to find three of those five that you’re not doing already, that you find fun and/or inspiring. The reason I suggest you choose only three is because it’s easier to be consistent with less, than more. The more things you take on, the greater the chances are you’re going to get overwhelmed and will stop practicing. It’s not enough to know a strategy … it’s the implementation that really makes the difference. These three points of focus are what I like to call your Triple Threat Combination. When you practice this combination of proven strategies consistently over time, you are guaranteed to improve your relationship/ marriage drastically.
I loved the tips Donna! I also like the emphasis on choosing 3 to do. I especially appreciated seeing how 4 can encourage my partner to be vulnerable as well. Btw, I shared this on the YouTube video:
I LOVE your work Donna. It’s turned my relationship with men around, not just my romantic relationship, but with my son, father, etc. I appreciate this 5 tips video, especially tip 3. That reminded me of the perspective shift you taught me during the retreat I did with you.
Awesome! Thank you for sharing!
Hey Jacqueline, nice to see you here! Glad you like the tips. Yes, it’s true about the vulnerability piece – I especially notice that when I am willing to say to something real simple to Jason like, “wow…you know what?… I was wrong”, it stops him in his tracks and I often hear back what he thinks his part in the kerfuffle was without me having to mention it.
I’m so glad you are loving what Jason and I are doing in our programs. Yes…the ability to really get down to our bones the fact that there are other ways to see things has proven to be pretty valuable for me.
You’re very welcome Lee …. I’m so looking forward to meeting you in person!